Seriously, how much crap can one married couple shove in a closet????
Why is it so hard to throw away things that we don't want, don't use and probably never will??? And how is it that bags and bags (and bags and bags - 9 I think) of trash PLUS several days later, I'm still not finished, still not satisfied and have juuuuust squeaked by on sabotaging myself ~ yet again?
This is not a pleasant first set of pictures, but Blogging (horrible word, just horrible!) is about being honest, no-holds-barred, bare naked truth.... Isn't it...? So here's how my room looked at around 12:30 yesterday afternoon... Sorry about the quality of the pictures... Camera phone... Although, and trust me on this, I'm doing you a favor...


*****


Oh. My. God. This is embarrassing! *GULP*


Didn't find any dead bodies though, so that's a bonus....



Now, I'm not an absolute slob.... I think..... Oh, what the hell, who am I kidding!
But I do feel that I should mention that, by this point, I had personally emptied out E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G from drawers, shelves, cupboards, all of it.





So I'm thinking there should be some kind of back story here. Like, why the hell am I spending my time typing this out when I should - quite obviously - be cleaning the house? So, here it is....
I have to preface this with a simple statement. I'm happy. I like my life. I like what I do and who I do it with. I. Am. Happy. NO, really, I AM!
I'm also greedy.... Or maybe just opportunistic..... Or maybe I'm finally just claiming what's mine, like a lost scarf. Either way, I know that there is more happy to be had. I know that I need to start living like the happy woman that I am. I want to recognize the person that my friends and family think I am when I look in the mirror. Because that girl - the one with the bubbly personality and the ever positive attitude and the couldn't-give-a-shit-what-anyone-else-thinks persona.... Well, she usually only comes out in public and that's sad because I really like her and I'd like to get to know her more and well, I can't do that if I keep getting in my own way now, can I?!?!


So, my intention is to introduce myself to me.... And you, if you're at all interested. And I'm starting by having a damn good clear out!

This time was different. I did something I have never done. Usually, when I clear out my bedroom closet, I just tidy up the mess that's there, throw away the trash and put everything back in a neater, less scary order.
NOT THIS TIME!
I have thrown away clothes that don't fit, clothes that I have been saving since England - even the one's I love. My tastes have changed and, even if - NO, when - I do loose the excess 60lbs (OK, sigh, closer to 80lbs) I don't want to wear them again. I have thrown away every item of clothing that has a stain or a hole in it and every item of clothing I was keeping simply because it fit or it was comfortable. All of them are gone.
I have never done that before. Never. In the past, I have been very mindful of a few things - *1) Money - there has always been a pattern in the past, where we float along good for a while. Money is coming in, bills are getting paid, nothing is breaking down, no one is getting sick and Christmas is a looooong way off and we can even buy one or two personal items for ourselves or each other - I always choose clothes and shoes. Always.
For a long while, all I bought was shoes because I couldn't find anything I wanted to wear that fit me. But shoes always fit and I do have cute feet.
But it's always in the back of my head that the money and the easy run is all gonna come tumbling down at any minute and I need to squirrel everything away so that we're ready to ride out the storm. Getting rid of clothing always felt so wrong cos' well, when the shit hits the fan, you can't walk around naked can you? Or at least, that was the pattern before.
*2) Sigh. The age old issue for SO MANY WOMEN - my weight. My closet has been full of things I wear just because they fit, or they were cheap OR they fit AND they were cheap. It's not like I'm one of those people you see on the telly- the ones that get lifted out of their houses by a crane because Richard Simmons is crying. I am definitely WAY too big for my frame - 80lbs too big, if you're into numbers. And. I. Hate. It. I do. I hate it. Although, up until now, it's been the perfect way to remind myself that i'm not worthy of the effort it takes to invest in myself the way I invest in the rest of my family. SO i've kept the clothes with holes in them and the clothes with paint stains and the clothes that I would NEVER choose to wear - EVER and I've worn them because that's what I had.

As I said, they're all gone. Even the shoes. The rule is, if I don't LOVE it, if it's stained, if it's torn or if it doesn't fit, I will remove it from my house and replace it with something shiny and new that I am exited to wear. From now, there will always be money to replace anything that is not in the best condition because I am in control of the gravy.
It's not gonna create world peace, stop world hunger or make the world a better place but it will make me happier and in turn, perhaps the ripples will create good things.



Now, a moment of silence for the shoes....